Redoble Family

Epiphany.

The story’s funny, actually. I was watching a documentary on Jesus’ life and there’s this actor walking along the streets of Nazareth, pretending to be Jesus, and I was just suddenly filled with this desire to be there; to walk the dusty roads and converse with street vendors, experience the world and not give a fuck about anything else; not give a damn about the ice-caps rapidly melting and that I’m probably never going to see the Alps covered in ice by the time I’m able to. I have to stop pitying myself, stop thinking about the things I’m inevitably not going to see, hear, and do. There are always going to be other wonders to visit.

I realized how small my world’s gotten, how self-centered and narrow-minded I’ve become. I’ve forgotten the joy of just letting my mind wander. I can’t remember the last time I spent an entire day just immersing myself in a really good book and I can’t remember the last time I thought so freely of my future. Lately, it’s been: go to college, work, love my job, and travel. These past few months I’ve been wondering why thinking about it feels so oppressive. It’s starting to feel like a restriction, almost. Like something I absolutely have to live up to. There is no more freedom in the dream, no more room for anything else. The idea of travel in the future has become a necessity, and working has become only a stepping stone to achieving everything else.

But watching the documentary, listening to all these experts and their theories… it made me remember all my aspirations as a tween; how as a 13 year old I’ve dreamed of visiting the pyramids of Egypt and the tombs of all these amazing people I read about in books. I wanted to be an archaeologist, study history, study everything I can about anything. Now, I want to be a photographer. I want to take as many pictures as I can, and I want to travel. And In the future, I want to go on a vacation and actually be on vacation. No stressing about where to go, what to see, and what time to see it; whimsical adventures that take you wherever. Being filthy rich will only be second on my agenda, albeit, admittedly, it won’t be too far from the first.

When did I start forgetting the rest of the world, I wonder? I think I’ve unknowingly discarded the values so closely related to family and friendship in exchange for the silent comfort I find in front of my computer; in exchange for these characters on the internet from movies, shows, animes, mangas that I always find myself attached to. When did I start believing that I couldn’t do all the things I wanted to, that I’m supposed to just stick to one profession and live my life that way? When did I become so dependent on others? When did the opinions of others start bothering me and why do they matter? When did I start craving validation from my own family, from my peers, from the situations I find in movies, mangas, animes? I hate it. I hate feeling the need to consult the people around me to make a wise decision. I hate being in this helpless state of mind. Pathetic. Piece of trash. Totally dependent on the comfort of other people. Vicariously living life through the internet, through the media. Freaking inferiority complex. Vanity. Totally untrue to the self. I’m still 17 damn it.

I think I’ll stop today.

**

The whole thing sounds disconnected and broken. Pieces of thought scattered everywhere, no organization.

**

I think, to others, this may sound too idealistic. They’ll think, “You’re only 17. Of course you’ll think what way. But it’s ok, you’re supposed to anyway. Then later, you’ll find out that things don’t always go the way you want to.” They’d get all patronizing and I’d secretly resent them for it.

Share on Facebook